A Baby Prince and Baby Niece

The royal baby was born today, and I am so happy that their precious little guy is here, healthy and safe.  And as all of the media and reporters stood outside the hospital awaiting the news, I couldn't help but think how devastating and awful it would be if they had to experience losing their baby with the whole world watching. It's so easy to take for granted what true miracles these precious lives are.  But I have to admit that while the rest of the world obsesses over his arrival, I can't help but feel a little annoyed, a little relieved, and a little jealous.  And my heart goes out to the many moms and dads who I know are feeling the same way tonight. 

On Thursday, July 18, my sister and brother-in-law also welcomed a new baby into the world - their second precious little girl.  Coming from a place of loss and knowing what it's like to have a baby who is not "well," I was so very happy that their little Amiyah was healthy and well.  But unfortunately my feelings of hurt, jealousy, and pain have prevented me from being able to visit my newborn niece yet.  For the last nine months, I have had to look away when a pregnant woman walks past, and seeing a newborn baby is literally painful.  I knew that my niece being born would be hard, but until I saw her little newborn picture, I didn't realize just how hard.  I was instantly flooded with emotions, memories, and longing for the baby boy who was so quickly taken from my life.

While part of me wants to just go scoop up my newborn niece and never let her go, I know that my heart can't handle being there yet.  I am so conflicted in my feelings for fear of being judged as selfish, but when I finally feel like I am ready to visit this little sweetie, I know that along with it will come reminders of what was, what should be, and what will never be for my sweet Caleb...and I'm not ready for that yet.  I'm not ready to feel the joy surrounding the welcoming home of a newborn baby, especially since we left the hospital with empty arms.  I'm not ready for the sound of newborn cries and the "oohs" and "awes" of admirers.  I'm not ready for bottles, blankets, and tiny diapers.  I'm not ready for all of the milestones that Caleb never got to achieve.  I'm not ready for the tiny fingers and toes and sheer perfection that a newborn baby should be.  And quite honestly, I'm just not ready for feeling like my sweet Caleb's memory will be replaced.

And while I'm not ready yet, I do have a greater appreciation for all of these precious moments and I don't want to miss out on too much.  For now, I am taking it a day at a time and just hoping my family can be patient with me and know that it isn't at all a reflection of how I feel about them, but just me trying to cope with this new reality.