A Baby Prince and Baby Niece

The royal baby was born today, and I am so happy that their precious little guy is here, healthy and safe.  And as all of the media and reporters stood outside the hospital awaiting the news, I couldn't help but think how devastating and awful it would be if they had to experience losing their baby with the whole world watching. It's so easy to take for granted what true miracles these precious lives are.  But I have to admit that while the rest of the world obsesses over his arrival, I can't help but feel a little annoyed, a little relieved, and a little jealous.  And my heart goes out to the many moms and dads who I know are feeling the same way tonight. 

On Thursday, July 18, my sister and brother-in-law also welcomed a new baby into the world - their second precious little girl.  Coming from a place of loss and knowing what it's like to have a baby who is not "well," I was so very happy that their little Amiyah was healthy and well.  But unfortunately my feelings of hurt, jealousy, and pain have prevented me from being able to visit my newborn niece yet.  For the last nine months, I have had to look away when a pregnant woman walks past, and seeing a newborn baby is literally painful.  I knew that my niece being born would be hard, but until I saw her little newborn picture, I didn't realize just how hard.  I was instantly flooded with emotions, memories, and longing for the baby boy who was so quickly taken from my life.

While part of me wants to just go scoop up my newborn niece and never let her go, I know that my heart can't handle being there yet.  I am so conflicted in my feelings for fear of being judged as selfish, but when I finally feel like I am ready to visit this little sweetie, I know that along with it will come reminders of what was, what should be, and what will never be for my sweet Caleb...and I'm not ready for that yet.  I'm not ready to feel the joy surrounding the welcoming home of a newborn baby, especially since we left the hospital with empty arms.  I'm not ready for the sound of newborn cries and the "oohs" and "awes" of admirers.  I'm not ready for bottles, blankets, and tiny diapers.  I'm not ready for all of the milestones that Caleb never got to achieve.  I'm not ready for the tiny fingers and toes and sheer perfection that a newborn baby should be.  And quite honestly, I'm just not ready for feeling like my sweet Caleb's memory will be replaced.

And while I'm not ready yet, I do have a greater appreciation for all of these precious moments and I don't want to miss out on too much.  For now, I am taking it a day at a time and just hoping my family can be patient with me and know that it isn't at all a reflection of how I feel about them, but just me trying to cope with this new reality.

Nine Months

It's so hard to believe that our little angel baby would be 9 months old today.  It seems like just yesterday we were on cloud 9 as we welcomed our third precious boy into the world...and then so quickly after, were kissing him goodbye.  I remember everything about those few precious days that we had Caleb in our lives like it was yesterday -- from the highest highs to the lowest lows.  There isn't a moment that goes by that we aren't missing everything about him and longing for what should have been.  One of the hardest things is feeling like he is being forgotten in the world us, and trying to do everything I can to make sure his little life is still remembered, honored, and celebrated.  It hurts when you have someone in your heart, but can't have them in your arms.  And although it will never be enough, I like to think my heart is perfect because Caleb is inside.   

Some People Dream of Angels...

This is a post I published on my other blog at the beginning of the 2013 new year...

2012 will always be remembered as a year that changed our lives forever.  Our love, faith, strength, and trust were tested like I could have never imagined.  My heart will continue to ache and my eyes will fill with tears every single day because of the life changing moments this year brought.  And despite the pain this year has brought, it is one that I will cherish, as it has brought us closer as a family, taught us a deeper meaning of love, and given us a greater appreciation for others.  In the new year,  I will live my life in honor of a precious baby boy who didn't get to live his, but who brought so much beauty and inspiration to our.

Some people dream of angels...We held one in our arms.

Remembering our precious Caleb, the angel baby who we held in our arms, born on October 17, 2012...and earned his wings on October 19, 2012.

Proud big brother, Jaden

Proud big brother, Elijah

Our sweet little family of five (this is one of the only pictures of the five of us - one I will cherish forever)

Caleb had lots of visitors, who I am so glad were able to meet and hold our precious angel baby...

Caleb's great-grandma (my grandma) and his Nana (my mom)

 Caleb's proud Papa (my dad) and big brothers

My Aunt Mary

 Uncle Jeremy

One of my best friends, Melissa

Proud daddy, great-grandma, and grandma

My Aunt Maureen and cousin, Annie

When you give birth to a child, never does it cross your mind that you will have to say goodbye.  Our precious Caleb now soars with Angels.  But because of him, we are forever changed, and he will never be forgotten.

Welcome

Hi, and welcome to my blog.  My name is Jeanette, and I am the mom of two precious boys...and one perfect angel.  First of all, thank you so much for being here and joining us on our journey.  I used to blog at Mom of Two Precious Boys and have decided to start this blog to document my experiences as a mommy of an angel, and my family's journey of love, loss, healing, and life after the loss of our precious baby boy.

My husband, Sam and I have been married for 7 years and have two precious boys, Jaden, 6, and Elijah, 4.  On October 17, 2012, we welcomed our third baby boy, Caleb into the world.  And just two short days later, our worlds came crashing down when we suddenly found ourselves saying goodbye to our newborn baby boy.  While Caleb's life on Earth was far too brief, it was not without meaning.  Because of him, we have learned the true meaning of love and the value of each precious moment we share together.

Through my grief, I have found tremendous comfort in reading other "Angel mommy" blogs, which have brought tears to my eyes, and comfort to my soul.  I want to pay it forward by sharing our journey, which I hope will bring comfort, inspiration, and a touch of hope to others.  I look forward to sharing my thoughts and feelings as a bereaved mother, along with our journey as a family who is missing our sweet baby boy, and precious baby brother.  I also look forward to sharing some of the daily adventures, experiences, and priceless moments in my life with my two precious boys, who make each day worth living!

The name "Sweet Fluttering Kisses" in honor of my three sweethearts -- one who lets us know he's near each time we see a beautiful butterfly... and his two big brothers who anxiously await the Fluttering Kisses sent from Heaven.